Post by toad on May 26, 2016 21:35:45 GMT -5
The first time I decided to join a group to roleplay, I had my coat wrapped around me so hard you'd thought I'd have fallen apart without it. I was talking to the owner of a local game store about playing Vampire in an upcoming campaign. I sweat through my shirt and couldn't bring myself to look at the other people gaming in the store. Were they staring at me? Maybe? Just focus on what she's saying! Once I had the details settled, I fled.
Showing up for the actual session, I felt like the first day of school. Hi, my name is... And then I didn't have pencils or paper. Or dice. Omg what do I roll? Every time any math was involved my brain said nope and shut down. I had no idea what my character should do, or say. Someone makes a joke and everyone laughs and I have no idea what's supposed to be funny. I'm the outsider.
And yet, I wasn't. No one made fun of me, or got impatient. Soon, we were laughing together about how terrible our first combat had gone, and wondering what was going to happen next. I was stoked to play again, and week after week I got to know people better, know my character better. Next thing I know I'm filling in for someone in other campaigns, playing with new people, laughing with new people. I wasn't outside anymore.
Oh, the nerves were still there, still had a hard time talking to new people, even with the shared interest. Choked everytime I tried to do an accent in game (Pretending to be a New Yorker and slipping into Australian in Shadowrun is not good), even if it led to laughs and not shame. And eventually arguments arose, but now I was willing to stand up instead of hide. It wasn't just in gaming either, real life became different too. Now I could be at a party and talk, not just listen. I stopped hiding in my coat and sweating through shirts. I ran at people in paintball, and talked crap at poker. I still played Magic like I'd never tapped Mana before, constantly checking my opponent, but except for the rare occasion, I had fun.
It's been years since that first session, and now, if you meet me, I may talk your ear off. My brain still nopes at math though and sometimes the words won't flow well, but there is a version of me that doesn't exist anymore except in fond jokes from my friends, who remember, but didn't care.
Showing up for the actual session, I felt like the first day of school. Hi, my name is... And then I didn't have pencils or paper. Or dice. Omg what do I roll? Every time any math was involved my brain said nope and shut down. I had no idea what my character should do, or say. Someone makes a joke and everyone laughs and I have no idea what's supposed to be funny. I'm the outsider.
And yet, I wasn't. No one made fun of me, or got impatient. Soon, we were laughing together about how terrible our first combat had gone, and wondering what was going to happen next. I was stoked to play again, and week after week I got to know people better, know my character better. Next thing I know I'm filling in for someone in other campaigns, playing with new people, laughing with new people. I wasn't outside anymore.
Oh, the nerves were still there, still had a hard time talking to new people, even with the shared interest. Choked everytime I tried to do an accent in game (Pretending to be a New Yorker and slipping into Australian in Shadowrun is not good), even if it led to laughs and not shame. And eventually arguments arose, but now I was willing to stand up instead of hide. It wasn't just in gaming either, real life became different too. Now I could be at a party and talk, not just listen. I stopped hiding in my coat and sweating through shirts. I ran at people in paintball, and talked crap at poker. I still played Magic like I'd never tapped Mana before, constantly checking my opponent, but except for the rare occasion, I had fun.
It's been years since that first session, and now, if you meet me, I may talk your ear off. My brain still nopes at math though and sometimes the words won't flow well, but there is a version of me that doesn't exist anymore except in fond jokes from my friends, who remember, but didn't care.